I'm not fat?

I LOVE when people tell me I'm not fat! Then what am I? And what IS considered fat? I'm pretty sure I'm textbook definition of fat. There will never be a better example of fat than me. Quit sugar coating it for me because you are only pissing me off by obviously lying to my face. So if you fall down in the street and exclaim, "I'm drunk!", are you expecting me to say, "No, you are not? You are just clumsy today?"

If I openly call myself fat in front of you it's probably for one of the following reasons:

1. I'm trying to get you to laugh, which is ok because I want to laugh at me too. And making you laugh makes me happy. I did this to myself. I wasn't raped by a Twinkie.

2. I'm looking for size fat. That means that most clothes in stores around my town go up to a size 16 MAYBE. So obviously at a size 20/22, I'm looking for plus size and I'm too lazy to say "plus size". But the name plus size bothers me. There's nothing plus about being FAT!!! Also, everyone has their skinny clothes and their fat clothes. Wait! Did you just realize you do it to?

3. Big boned...? Do I really have to go there? I'm not big boned. I'm petite. Under this gigantic whale coating is a petite little shit who should be called a boney bitch. I measured my elbow at 90 degrees. I'm on the small size of petite when it comes to my skeleton. So technically, I'm worse than you think!

4. I may have been complaining about something hurting. As far as I see it, imagine little 100 pound girls carrying around a 150 pound man... All day... Every day. Do you think their knees will eventually start to hurt? Backs? Feet?

At 264, I was officially 3x the size of my friend Alisha. That means I was 3 of her. Three skinny chicks. Except I was holding two of them. When I see my sweet southern style Alisha, I cannot imagine her wanting to carry $30 worth of groceries let alone two versions of herself. It's just not possible.